When do we define too much for our children and how much are our children allowed to decide for themselves?
This is a question I struggle with myself. As a single parent with a job and children, organisation is a given. The question then becomes, what is still organisation and where do I determine too much, in order to move forward e.g. felt faster.
That question keeps me extra busy today, after a long conversation with Samantha, who just had to work out an arrangement for their son with her ex-partner. After a difficult period, it was determined by third parties, that the boy would stay with Samantha most of the time. And two long weekends a month with her ex-partner. Samantha felt, that the 7-year-old boy had become calmer as a result. Both at home and also at school, things improved and he became more self-confident again after the difficult period where his parents split up.
Samantha has always said that it is important to her that fixed agreements apply and that her son cannot just get everything, even if she has the financial means to do so. For Samantha, here’s the hard part: her ex-partner has a different view. According to Samantha, the boy always gets to decide whether he wants to do something or not, and the boy always gets his father to buy him everything he wants.
I don’t want to judge these different parenting styles here. It is also difficult to assess as an outsider with little contact with the boy, nor the father, to make an honest statement.
Yesterday she called me fairly concerned. She is worried that the arrangement, which she said was going so well, is now changing again in the sense that the boy will again spend more time during school days with his father. This was supposedly proposed because the boy himself had indicated in conversations that he wanted to live with his father. The moment Samanthe called me, I did not immediately know how to answer.
I had seen her son recently and could also see that he had become calmer. At the same time, I asked myself the question „shouldn’t we as parents also let go. And in such a case, admit that the boy should also be allowed to be more with his father during school days. Even if we don’t make immediate sense of this“.
Even as I write this, I still don’t have an answer. The only saying that comes to mind is „the truth lies in the middle“.
Then when I think of my children, I realise that letting go is harder in practice than in theory. Today, I paid extra attention in the way children try to develop and how I as a mother can support as a watchful parent. And although this might be lost sight of in the daily hectic, it provides much more space.
I am curious to know what you all think about it.